Heartache and Hope

So often life throws unexpected challenges.  Yet through it all we find not only heartache but also hope.  Hope in tomorrow.  Hope in God.  Hope is His eternal plan for families, that life nor death is the end.

I had the joy recently to learn I am pregnant.  The joys was  uncontainable.  I wanted to share it with everyone I knew and did not know.  Baby names were being thought of, plans for building the cradle were explored.  Budgeting was being done.  Fretting about how and when to tell work.  Even deleting all friends from the new job off my facebook account in case I or someone else commented about being pregnant. I listened to General Conference and felt that every talk was for me as so many talked about families and raising our children to love and have testimonies of the Lord.

Then after the morning session of conference, things changed.  Things were not right, and I knew it.  I waited a few hours before telling Joshua and we decided to go to the E.R.  He and a dear friends husband gave me a priesthood blessing.  I felt a peace surround me even though I was still concerned, and my body was able to relax.  After 4 hours in the E.R., ultrasounds, tests, tests and more tests I was told I was having a miscarriage.  I am grateful for the kind doctor who delivered the news, my supportive husband who held me, took me home and made me cheese crisps for dinner and chocolate chip cookies and a nice fire while we begin our journey of waiting it all out.

At times my heart feels like breaking, I feel I can't breathe.  I try to sing songs that comfort me but nothing comes but tears.  I write and tears come.  Then comes the undeniable peace and comfort that this is a trial of life that will pass.  I will be patient with myself and my feelings and let myself mourn and feel the hand of God in my life.  God is extremely aware of me and my family.  I feel his peace as I pray for comfort.  The Conference messages are still for me as one day, on the timetable of Him who is most wise, I will have children here on earth.  I know that families are forever and I will see and know that child again.  That child I was able to love inside of me, I continue to love.  I will not give up.  I will not quit.  I will keep walking.  I will keep trying. There is help and happiness now and ahead despite the sadness and pain.  I will keep my chin up.  It will be all right in the end.  I trust God and believe in good things to come.

The Brain: Gut, Heart and Head

I have just read a fascinating neuroscience article on the brain having 3 centers, the gut (intestinal track), the heart and the head.  Each center guiding our feelings and interactions.  I found it so fascinating to learn that the gut has more neurons than the spinal column.  They are finding that when information comes into the body it first is transmitted to the gut, then to the heart then to the head.  

So cool!

Straight from the heart

Went to a funeral today.  The beautiful baby girl was 7 hours old.  My heart ached to watch my friend and his wife bury  their 3rd child.  Sometimes life brings unexpected trails and tribulations.  Several years ago as I worked as a medical social worker on the Labor and Delivery and Pediatric untis, I helped families as their babies died or with fetal demisses.  I cried with them, and often would feel sad for them.  But it was so much easier to walk away at the end of the day with a prayer that they might find peace. 

Today as I watched husband and wife and family say good-bye I struggled so much more.  Maybe because I know them, have that personal connection and care about them.  I watched the husband carry the small casket and cried knowing that for a time, that would be the last time he carried his baby girl.  How grateful I am for comfort I feel in knowing of God's Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that we can be with our families and loved ones again.  The pain is still present, understandably so, for them.  But they also speak of peace they have received.  I pray they might have peace and that we may never have to pass through that trial. 

General Conference Weekend

A priceless weekend is having both sets of parents in town and one brother from both families at the same time, enjoying general conference together, many shared meals and memories made, family pictures taken, trees trimmed, weeds pulled, deck worked on, apples picked, 15 quarts of applesauce made and bottled, tons of apple pie filling and apples in syrup bottled thanks to Elisa and Joshua, and hours of visiting. We love our family.

Adventures of the week

Here is some of what we did this week:

Joshua's school had its NJHS Induction Ceremony.  He was in charge of refreshments.  I wish we had taken pictures of the beautiful table of all the food.  Here though are the brownie bites we spruced up with whipped cream and fruit.  We also served, lemon cucumber water, 3 different bunt cakes (Don't know what they are all the rage.  We had Red Velvet, Chocolate and Swirl flavored cakes), a veggie platter, and cookies from Paradise Bakery.  I think the kids thought it looked beautiful and that it added to the special occasion.  For me, I left at the end of the night exhausted.  We had some minor/major set backs that we had to work through, like the teacher in charge of bringing the lighter for the candle lighting and the plate, cups, napkins forgot those items and remembered 5 minutes before the program began.  I sped to the store, ran through it pulling items off the shelf like a mad-women on the 90's TV show I loved, Super Market Sweep.  The store did not love me to say the least.  In the end, we were able to set everything up in time. 

Our garden is growing well still.  The weather is cooling down so I hope the copious amount of tomatoes growing ripen quickly.  Here is a bowl full  of green beans I picked this morning.

It's apple season and our Granny Smith apple tree is producing away.  The apples are smaller but they taste great.  Here is a bowl full of peeled, cored, and sliced apples that I did tonight. 

Joshua and I decided we would use the apples for an apple pie.  We did not agree on the recipe to use, he wanted the one his family used growing up and I wanted the one in my family.  So, we decided to do a competition of apple pies.  Here he is making his pie. 

His pie finished first and tasted good but the real test was to compare it to my pie.  Joshua took my pie out of the oven and placed it on the cooking rack.  Unfortunately it did not stay there.

Joshua tasted the pie anyway. 

Derek tasted the pie anyway. 

I tasted the pie anyway.  -  Don't worry we tasted the parts that did not touch the ground.

So who won the pie making contest?
We will have to reschedule our pie making match due to an inability to form a conclusion.

He says he did as mine could not be properly judged.  So I had to forfeit.  I claim sabotage.  Therefore he's disqualified.

Some of the other things we did were:
I started school and a new internship.
Joshua's work is improving.
We rebuilt some of our sprinklers - quite a learning experience and pictures to come soon.
Got our broken car towed to a repair shop and fixed.
Cleaned the house from top to bottom - it is now in need of that cleaning again and it has only been a day.
Both Joshua and I played the piano.
I taught primary and Joshua taught young mens.
We made new friends at work, the store and school.
I visited with an old friend on the phone.
I went to Zumba.

Back to school - sometimes it's not fun

AHHHH!!! 

Do you ever have crazy teachers? 

Do you ever have teachers who think there class is the only class you have?

Have you ever had a teacher who said, "well I work 70 hours a week and will be doing all the reading in class too" implying that we should suck it up and be fine with the 3 inch binder stuffed with articles of "Supplemental Reading" that he will be testing on, and the "Required Reading" is of 4 large books.  He's crazy!

I will finish this semester but I don't know that I will do all the readings - unfortunately that will effect my grade.

LAME, LAME, LAME!  FRUSTRATED, STRESSED, FRUSTRATED, STRESSED!  That's what I think adn feel!  BLAHHH.

Thoughts and feelings

Right now I am feeling frustrated and a little disappointed that the bread I have been working on for the last 6 hours has not turned out.  This project all started when I saw online that a garage sale/fundraiser/bake sale was being held tomorrow for a 14 year old name Jacob Watson.  Jacob was one of Joshua’s students this last year.  We went and visited him in the hospital when he was first diagnosed with Leukemia. 

Since they are having a bake sale, I thought I’d make and donate some artisan bread.  It is easy (normally), beautiful (normally) and tastes great (normally).  I quickly made up the dough and left it to rise.  During that time I went to buy a new baking stone as ours had seen its last day a few weeks ago.  Quick trip I thought.  Run to the store, run in, grab the stone, pay for it, home in 30 minutes.  Wrong!  It took me 4 stores until I found it.  Finally, I get home, season the stone, and get everything ready to bake.  When I go to put the first loaf in the oven it won’t come off the pizza peel.  Now this is not the first time that has happened.  In fact, it has happened every time we try it.  Stupid pizza peel. (Side note, we bought the pizza peel for $30 to my protest against doing so.  Tonight at the first and second stores I went to, I saw the same one for $10.  TEN DOLLARS! Ridiculous.  I should hold to my guns about not spending that much.  Paying more does not always mean it will work better.  Stuff sticks to it all the time and drives me crazy.)    

Back to the story; finally I get the first one off the peel and into the oven onto the new baking stone for the stones debut.  As it is baking, the stone cracks in half.  WHAT!!  STUPID STONE!  I still have 2 loaves to go.  So I decide to use the larger half of the stone anyways to cook the rest of the loaves.  Each loaf comes out looking …well…, not as beautiful as normal.  I have just tasted one.  It’s not very good.  Not only am I’m rethinking taking anything to the bake sale but it’s now nearly midnight, I am tired, have had to clean the kitchen again, used up most of my flour and thrown away 2 of the 3 loaves of bread.   I’ll just have to wait to see if the 3^rd is a nasty as the others.  Either way, I can’t offer to have it sold.  I suppose it’s a tender mercy that I tasted it and did not subject others to it as well. 

Good Bye Wasatch Mental Health

Today was my last day of my internship at Wasatch Mental Health.  I really enjoyed my time there but alas, I am a relieved to be done.  I am now closer than before to completing my masters degree.  I also do not have to deal with those kids yelling or staff dynamics.  I have learned through my time there I believe in positive reinforcement as I saw it change behaviors better than negative punishments. 

Now I have a few weeks to recollect myself before beginning my last 8 months of the program and beginning working at LDS Family Services as a therapist and hopefully in adoptions as well.

Happy Anniversary

Three years ago today, I married my sweetheart in the Mesa Temple.  He still is my sweetheat.  Our love has grown in ways I did not know was possible.  I am happy I married him and know I chose well.  What joy he brings me as he pushes me, challenges me, supports me, and love me.  He is my biggest fan.  He is proud of my educational and professional choices.  He is a great school teacher.  He recognizes the good in others and seeks to accentuate it and help others also understand it.  What a champ he is. 

I am glad to know that he and I will be together forever someday.  I enjoy the memories of the time we have shared, and I love the times we do share now, and look forward to the experiences we will share.

Oh Yes You Did!

What!  I spent 3 hours going through a paper line by line finding how the paper was plagiarized and writing it out to explain it to you.  And you have the nerve to write me an email telling me you turned it in for another class and got an 84, therefore, I should not have given you a 0 for your paper that you plagiarized AND used for another class last semester?  Are you for reals?  Oh yes you did plagiarize.  And oh, yes you do get a 0. 

Sometimes I wonder about people.